The Narcissistic Abuser- This type of abuser is obsessed with self; he worships self, promotes self, photographs self, looks at self (and wants others to look at him) and constantly thinks about self; he is overly concerned with his looks, talents, image and will do anything at any cost to uphold his image, even if he must lie to protect his image; he is overly concerned with receiving praise and adoration; he loves and thrives off of attention, especially if he is also charismatic; he usually does not prefer a partner that is outgoing and charismatic, in that it takes away from his attention. He can be very selfish, self-absorbed and inconsiderate; when socializing with him he usually only wants to talk about himself, his accomplishments, his pain, his talents, his injustices, and if the conversation shifts toward you or someone else, or if you begin to share something personal about yourself, he usually gets bored and uninterested and is only thinking about how to get the conversation back on him; he usually is the opposite of the ‘emotionally needy abuser’ in that he feels that he can replace you at anytime with someone else; he is only interested in his relationship with you or others if it benefits him somehow; he may behave as a good parent to his biological offspring in that he perceives them as an "extension of himself" (which I would term indirect narcissism); he believes that life is all about making sure one "has happiness" (rather than "has honor"), even if obtaining one's own happiness may result in many other people suffering unhappiness (i.e. leaving his spouse for another woman even though that would cause his wife and children pain); he usually possesses several of the traits of the other abusive categories as well; he can be verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, economically, and spiritually abusive. The Emotionally Needy Abuser- This type of abuser usually lacks self-esteem and derives his self-worth from the relationship; he tries to isolate his partner; he is very jealous when his partner spends time with other friends/family; he can become very possessive, clingy, and one of his greatest tools is guilt-tripping and manipulation; if emotional abuse is not successful then he will resort to verbal or physical abuse to keep his partner only to himself. He feels that he can’t live without his partner. He may claim that “you are his soul mate,” or “you are meant to be together forever,” or even may claim that “God has revealed to him that you are to be together.” He will try to convince his partner that no one will or could ever love them as much as he will. He is consumed with jealousy and fear of losing his partner. He makes his partner feel responsible for his happiness. He can be hypersensitive and cry easily; he usually seeks out a codependent partner who is emotionally stronger than he is and one who will be doting, forgiving and tolerant of him; he can be verbally, physically, emotionally, financially/economically, and spiritually abusive. The Womanizing Abuser- This type of abuser can be extremely arrogant and unfaithful to his partner; he is overly consumed and sometimes addicted to flirting with and seducing other women, he can be very charismatic, but not always; he derives his self-esteem from other woman reciprocating his advances; he may or may not be good-looking; he has very low self-esteem; he claims that he is not flirtatious, but it’s 'just his personality’ therefore he’s done nothing wrong; he can be skilled at lying and manipulating; he is usually insensitive to his partner’s needs, emotions, hurts, and will rarely validate her feelings; he usually is quite the smooth-talker and can easily lie his way out of anything; his image is of great importance to him; he may regularly accuse his partner of cheating on him over something as trivial as she decides to wear lip stick one day; this can be a red flag that he is cheating on you; he tends to lack empathy (understanding and feeling another person's emotions and relate to their experiences); he can be verbally, physically, emotionally, financially/economically, and spiritually abusive. The Addictive Abuser- This type of abuser has one or many addictions, such as pornography, sex, drug/alcohol use, gambling, eating, spending, etc.; he is usually ashamed of his addiction(s) and will go to extreme lengths to cover up and hide his behaviors; he can be skilled at lying and manipulating; he can be easily angered and volatile when substance abuse is involved; he is usually impulsive and rarely exercises self-control; he believes that getting his needs and desires met are of utmost importance; he can be reckless and enjoy taking risks; he may continually make promises to quit his addictions, but without professional long-term treatment, it will not likely happen; he can be verbally, physically, emotionally, financially/economically, and spiritually abusive; The Mentally Ill Abuser- This type of abuser can have a dual personality and mood disorders; he may frequently have unpredictable highs and lows (manic and depressive stages), he can be clinically depressed. If he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) it can cause him to continually call/text to keep tabs on you. Anxiety can cause him to be consumed with fear of abandonment and losing his partner; bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and various other disorders can also be present; he can be hypersensitive and cry easily or he can be easily angered and prone to rage; he usually blames his partner for his abuse; even if he is on prescribed medication(s) he can still be dangerous, and in some cases more dangerous to himself or others if he recently switched medications or quit taking his medications; he can be verbally, physically, emotionally, financially/economically, and spiritually abusive. The Chauvinistic Abuser- This type of abuser thinks that he is superior to his partner. He believes his rights should always prevail; he is very controlling; he lacks empathy and compassion; he can frequently humiliate and degrade his partner without remorse; he will rarely ever apologize and usually will never admit to fault; he blames his victim for his bad behavior (i.e. that he would not have been abusive if his partner had not mouthed-off to him, therefore it was her fault); he usually have many of the traits of the Narcissistic Abuser and/or Mentally Ill Abuser, etc.; he can be verbally, physically, emotionally, financially/economically, and spiritually abusive. The Martyr Abuser- This type of abuser thrives off of pity and sympathy from others and will even lie to portray themselves as a victim; he may have been raised by a highly doting mother that excused his bad behavior; he may even stage his own suicide or threaten suicide for attention; he blames others for his bad behavior; he may easily apologize every time for his abuse and claim it will never happen again, but he rarely changes or gets the help he needs; he is a smooth-talker and can easily persuade his partner into believing him; he can be hypersensitive and cry easily; he is very emotionally abusive and manipulative; his greatest tool in emotional abuse is guilt-tripping his partner; he usually falls into more than one of the other types of abusers as well; he can be verbally, physically, financially/economically, and spiritually abusive. The Perfectionistic Abuser- This type of abuser demands perfection in his partner; he is very intolerant, impatient and condescending at times to others, especially his partner; he will engage in ridicule and humiliation to get his partner to comply; he may complain about his partner’s performance, whether it be about her cooking, cleaning, parenting, driving, shopping, body weight, work ethic, intelligence or even may critique her sexual performance. The victim will end up having extremely low self-esteem after being subjected to this type of abuser; this abuser has low self-esteem as well and feels better about himself when he degrades his partner; he rarely apologizes, in that he believes he is always right; he is very critical and judgmental toward his partner and others; he has unrealistic expectations of his partner; he can be verbally, physically, emotionally, financially/economically, and spiritually abusive. The Misogynistic Abuser- This is the most dangerous type of abuser; a misogynist is a man who hates women, and there can even be Christian/religious men who hate women; this type of abuser will engage in many tactics to hurt, destroy, humiliate, isolate, alienate, control, and manipulate his partner. A misogynist has no empathy, sympathy or compassion; he will not show concern for his partner even when she has a severe illness/injury and may refuse her hospitalization or basic care; he is controlling in every area of his partner’s life, such forcing her to have natural child birth without any pain medication or requiring that he approve every one of her friendships; he sees women as having no value except to serve a man; many extreme religious cults attract misogynists; if he is involved in a religious cult, he will distort scripture to justify his bad behavior (i.e. distorting scripture on submission); a misogynist will not apologize or admit fault, therefore they never change their behavior, in that they believe they have never done wrong; they will not validate their partner’s feelings or emotions; they enjoy degrading their partner and if their partner shares that she has been hurt and humiliated by them publicly, the misogynist will deny it and blame his partner and claim that she is overly sensitive and it is not his fault that she is hyper-sensitive; he is cold, calloused and highly self-absorbed; he can be extremely verbally, physically, emotionally, financially/economically, and spiritually abusive.
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Are you in an abusive relationship that involves one or more types of abuse? If so, you may want to join one of our Journey to Joy Support Groups for women who are victims of abuse. 1. Physical abuse – blocking you from leaving a room, grabbing you, forcing you to look at him by grabbing your face, kicking, punching, slapping, choking, biting you, pulling or grabbing your hair, ripping your covers off in the middle of the night and forcing their demands on you, making threats against you (verbally or with weapons), throwing objects, breaking things, punching walls or kicking doors, driving recklessly, confining or isolating you, or hurting pets or your children to punish you. 2. Emotional abuse – intimidating, insulting, degrading, shaming, humiliating, embarrassing you, being condescending, not listening to you, talking over the top of you, disrespecting you (privately or publicly), making threats toward you, being possessive and overly jealous, being controlling, invading your privacy, spying on you, accusing you of bad behavior (infidelity and cheating) that they are usually engaged in. 3. Verbal abuse - screaming, yelling, swearing, name calling, interrupting, mocking, intimidating, humiliating you with abusive language and derogatory remarks. 4. Economic abuse – withholding money from you, not allowing you to have access to funds, forcing or coercing you to leave your job, not allowing you to have an occupation, preventing you from attending college, making you account for every penny you spend, preventing you from having access to a car, not allowing you to have your name on any assets or bank accounts, preventing you from knowing any of the joint business/financial affairs. 5. Mental abuse – accusing you of doing bad behaviors that they have engaged in (such as infidelity); saying/doing bad behavior and then denying it and claiming that you have mental problems and don’t know what you’re talking about; twisting and distorting truth and eventually getting you to believe that you are losing your mind; mentally abusive people are very skilled at lying and manipulating. 6. Sexual abuse – unwanted sex or touching, pressuring you for sex, forcing you to have sex or unprotected sex, pressuring or forcing you to have an abortion, sending you unwanted sexual images of themselves or others, forcing you to participate in viewing pornography, forcing you to do anything sexually that is unwanted or against your will. 7. Spiritual abuse – forcing and manipulating you to do things against your will (forcing sex, forcing submission) by distorting scripture and threatening punishment by God if you don’t comply; preventing and denying you from doing things (such as getting a job, attending college, having access to money, having certain friends, reading and interpreting the bible for yourself, making choices for yourself, attending functions) by distorting scriptures on female submission to support their power and control of you. Ask yourself if your partner has any of these signs of abuse. If you find many of these statements to be true in your relationship, then you may be in an unhealthy abusive relationship. You may need a support group to help you break away from an abusive partner. A Journey to Joy Support Group can help you and give you the encouragement and strength you need to heal, set healthy boundaries and make wise choices in your relationships.
What does the bible say about DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SPOUSAL ABUSE AND DIVORCE? Is it ok to divorce for spousal abuse? Malachi 2:15-16- (NLV) Has not the Lord made them one in flesh and spirit? And what does He desire but God-like children? Be careful then in your spirit, and stay faithful to the wife you married when you were young. 16 “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “And I hate the man who does wrong to his wife,” says the Lord of All. “So be careful in your spirit, and be one who can be trusted.” This verse says, first of all, that God hates divorce, it does not mean that God hates you, if you are divorced. Secondly, it says in the last part of the verse that God also hates a man who does wrong to his wife. What are some ways that a husband can ‘do wrong’ to his wife? (adultery, physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, lying, stealing funds from bank account, refusing to allow her to have her name on the bank account, abusing the children, abusing pets, forbidding a wife to have counseling, getting a job, attending college, etc.) Anyone who has gone through a divorce fully understands why God would say, “I hate divorce!” Not only the spouse, but the children go through an incredible amount of loss and pain. I can understand why a loving and compassionate God would hate divorce! There isn’t a loving father that would. The words “I hate divorce” come from God's compassion for those who will suffer hurt because of divorce, not condemnation for merely disobeying a rule. God values you personally more than he values your marriage covenant. Marriage is instituted by God for people’s protection and well-being. It’s meant to be a safe place that serves the needs that God created us to have: needs for intimacy, union and procreation as well as the need to mature, grow and flourish. Marriage is meant to serve our needs by providing a safe place for us to thrive. We were not created to serve it. It was created to serve us. People are what matter to God, not us keeping His rules. God cares more about people than rules. Matthew 12:1-8 says: “At that time Jesus went through the grain fields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry and began to pick some heads of grain and eat them. [2] When the Pharisees saw this, they said to him, "Look! Your disciples are doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath." [3] He answered, "Haven't you read what David did when he and his companions were hungry? [4] He entered the house of God, and he and his companions ate the consecrated bread--which was not lawful for them to do, but only for the priests. [5] Or haven't you read in the Law that on the Sabbath the priests in the temple desecrate the day and yet are innocent? [6] I tell you that one greater than the temple is here. [7] If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent. [8] For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath." Basically this says that God’s love, mercy and grace outweighs God’s rules and His laws. There are so many examples in the gospels that indicate this, such as Jesus healing on the Sabbath, etc. If a husband was abusive to his wife (verbally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually) in their marriage God would not forbid a woman to escape or dissolve the abusive marriage just to uphold a law or legal vow and marriage covenant. God cares more about a woman and her children having safety, protection, peace and joy more than he cares about a biblical rule or law being upheld. If anyone (your church, a friend, your spouse) tells you that you will not have eternal life (go to heaven) if you are divorced, you must know that this is spiritual abuse. The bible says in Jeremiah 3:8 that even God gave a ‘certificate of divorce’ to Israel. Divorce is not an unpardonable sin as many spiritually abusive people will claim. God would not do something that he would condemn his children to hell for doing! Jeremiah 3:8 says, "I (God) gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery." What two reasons does the Bible say divorce is permissible (permissible meaning that the individual is not guilty of adultery)? First reason given in the bible: Divorce is permissible (not guilty of adultery) in the case of marital unfaithfulness. Jesus allowed divorce in the case of marital unfaithfulness, which breaks the marriage covenant, giving grounds for legally dissolving the marriage through divorce. Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” Matthew 5:32 Jesus also said in Matthew 19:9, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Based on the words of Jesus, only "marital unfaithfulness" can be grounds for divorce without being guilty of adultery. Remember, that adultery is a sin that can be forgiven when there is repentence and confession to God. What exactly is “marital unfaithfulness?” The King James version uses the word “fornication” which tells us that the unfaithful spouse had sexual relations with someone other than his/her spouse. The Greek word used for this phrase is “porneia” which is where we derive the word“pornography” and means sexual immorality or illicit sex. Porneiaincludes adultery, sexual abuse, incest, prostitution, homosexuality, pornography and any other form of sexual perversionTherefore, any sexual participation with someone or something other than your spouse is “marital unfaithfulness.” Matthew 5:27-28: Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' [28] But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” This verse would indicate that just about everyone has committed adultery, not just those individuals that have been divorced or who have had adulterous sexual affairs. Everyone has sinned. Everyone is a sinner. We all need a savior from the condemnation of our sins which is why the apostle Paul said in sRomans 3:23, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” The good news is that we can come to God and repent and ask forgiveness from our sins and God forgives us as it says in I John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” The second reason the bible gives allowing for divorce (not guilty of adultery) is in cases of abandonment/neglect. In I Corinthians 7:13, 15 Paul says that if one spouse leaves another, the abandoned person is no longer bound to the marriage. I Cor. 7:13 reads: “If a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him....But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.” In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul originally specified abandonment by unbelievers as the grounds for dissolving a marriage, since some in that church were experiencing rejection by non-Christian spouses. However, abandonment can be perpetrated even by someone claiming to be a follower of Christ. In either case, the one who abandons a spouse breaks covenant faithfulness by failing to “cleave” or “cling to” that spouse, which is the basis and foundation of marriage (see Genesis 2:24). In I Corinthians 7:15, Paul refers specifically to spouses who are not Christ-followers abandoning husbands/wives who are followers of Christ, but the larger fundamental or principle is that God does allows a spouse, who is abandoned (for any reason) to obtain a divorce. Sometimes, however, that abandonment/neglect is not necessarily a spouse that literally relocates out of the home, but can be abandonment in the form of emotional abandonment caused by an addiction (drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography, etc) or physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. Scripture doesn’t encourage or promote divorce for these reasons, but it does allow it without the spouse, who is the victim, becoming guilty of adultery. God would prefer that both husband and wife work on their marriage through counseling, etc, where both parties learn to love and respect each other, but that takes more than one spouse’s commitment. This takes mutual participation and commitment. I sought counsel and help from leaders in my church to advise me on what to do in my abusive marriage. My church did not help me in the way the bible teaches a church is to help as indicated in Matthew 18:15-17. However, there are many churches that do assist their believers/members within the church in the way the bible instructs. My ex-husband had gone to jail many years earlier for domestic violence against me. He was abusive to me and was very abusive to our oldest son who was a teen. He also had stolen a large sum of money out of our bank account. He was extremely controlling, manipulative and misogynistic. To this day, he denies any of his abusive behavior even though there are police reports documenting it. My church leaders informed my husband at the time that he needed to obtain counseling for his anger and abuse and that he also needed to have a third party go through his business books and find where he stashed the large amount of money he stole from our joint bank account. After we met with the church leaders he informed me that he would never attend anger management counseling nor would he allow anyone to go through his business books! He refused to do the necessary steps toward reconciliation. Our marriage was not saved. A marriage can’t be saved by just one spouse’s efforts. God does not take our marriage vows lightly. Some Christians, unfortunately, have swung to the opposite end of the spectrum, using a very unbiblical, narrow-minded and judgmental interpretation of the Bible to condemn people who are in situations that they themselves would not be able to endure. In Luke 11:46 Jesus confronts a similar situation: “Jesus replied, ‘And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.’” Jesus warns people against judging others. In Matthew 7:1 Jesus says, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” John 3:17 says, "For God sent not the Son into the world to judge the world; but that the world should be saved through him." John 3:18 says, "He that believeth on him is not judged: he that believeth not hath been judged already, because he hath not believed on the name of the only begotten Son of God." Acts 2:21 says, "And it shall be, that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved." In conclusion, if you have been divorced other than for ‘marital unfaithfulness’ or ‘marital abandonment (neglect, abuse, etc) you can still confess your sins to God and believe on Jesus Christ and you are no longer judged by God ( I John 1:9). If anyone tries to tell you that you can’t have eternal life if you are divorced, you must know this is spiritual abuse. The story of Abigail in the bible (1 Samuel 25:1-42) describes a woman who was very brave, courageous, and had excellent discernment, wisdom and leadership skills. She undermined her husband (instead of submitting to him) and therefore saved her entire family and people. She is not reprimanded by God, but instead she is blessed. I do believe that wives should submit to their husbands and husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for it. This is actual mutual submission. Wives should respect their husbands and husbands should love their wives is what the Bible teaches us. God never intended for women to submit to an abusive husband and remain in an unhealthy relationship. Women need to take action and protect themselves as well as their children. Read with me the beginning of this story in 1 Samuel 25:1-3:
1 Samuel 25:1-3: There was a man in Maon, whose property was in Carmel. The man was very rich; he had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats. He was shearing his sheep in Carmel. Now the name of the man was Nabal, and the name of his wife Abigail. The woman was clever and beautiful, but the man was surly and mean; he was a Calebite. We learn that Abigail’s husband, Nabal, is very mean, surly, a fool, and quite rich. Abigail is beautiful and clever. 1 Samuel 25:4-8: David heard in the wilderness that Nabal was shearing his sheep. So David sent ten young men; and David said to the young men, 'Go up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name. Thus you shall salute him: 'Peace be to you, and peace be to your house, and peace be to all that you have. I hear that you have shearers; now your shepherds have been with us, and we did them no harm, and they missed nothing, all the time they were in Carmel. Ask your young men, and they will tell you. Therefore let my young men find favor in your sight; for we have come on a feast day. Please give whatever you have at hand to your servants and to your son David.' David is requiring Nabal’s hospitality. 1 Samuel 25:-9-11: When David's young men came, they said all this to Nabal in the name of David; and then they waited. But Nabal answered David's servants, 'Who is David? Who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants today who are breaking away from their masters. Shall I take my bread and my water and the meat that I have butchered for my shearers, and give it to men who come from I do not know where?' Nabal is foolish and refuses to show David and his men hospitality even though David showed Nabal hospitality. David’s men return to David with Nabal’s answer. David and his men set out to war against Nabal. 1 Samuel 25:14-17: But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, 'David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master; and he shouted insults at them. Yet the men were very good to us, and we suffered no harm, and we never missed anything when we were in the fields, as long as we were with them; they were a wall to us both by night and by day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep. Now therefore know this and consider what you should do; for evil has been decided against our master and against all his house; he is so ill-natured that no one can speak to him.' Nabal, as the servant claims, is so ill-natured that no one can speak to him. We know the bible states that ‘wives are to submit to your husbands’, however we do not see that in this passage about Abigail and her husband, Nabal. 1 Samuel 25:18-19: Then Abigail hurried and took two hundred loaves, two skins of wine, five sheep ready dressed, five measures of parched grain, one hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs. She loaded them on donkeys and said to her young men, 'Go on ahead of me; I am coming after you.' But she did not tell her husband Nabal. It appears that Abigail goes behind her husband’s back and undermines his authority to save her entire household from David and his army’s wrath. 1 Samuel 25:20-22: As she rode on the donkey and came down under cover of the mountain, David and his men came down toward her; and she met them. Now David had said, 'Surely it was in vain that I protected all that this fellow has in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that belonged to him; but he has returned me evil for good. God do so to David and more also, if by morning I leave so much as one male of all who belong to him.' Abigail is on her way to meet David and his army! This is one very brave woman. She knows that if she doesn’t act quickly that everyone in their household will be killed. She clearly does not ‘submit’ to her foolish husband, Nabal, but courageously initiates a plan to save her people. 1 Samuel 25:-23-26 When Abigail saw David, she hurried and alighted from the donkey, and fell before David on her face, bowing to the ground. She fell at his feet and said, 'Upon me alone, my lord, be the guilt; please let your servant speak in your ears, and hear the words of your servant. My lord, do not take seriously this ill-natured fellow, Nabal; for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him; but I, your servant, did not see the young men of my lord, whom you sent.' Here we see Abigail humbly approach David and apologizes for her husband’s actions and even publicly criticizes him for his actions, clearly not submission towards her husband. She claims to David that ‘I did not see the young men of my lord, whom you sent.” It’s as though she is claiming to have the ability to even be in charge, otherwise why would she make this claim, if she did not even have the authority to act as she did? 1 Samuel 25:26: 'Now then, my lord, as the Lord lives, and as you yourself live, since the Lord has restrained you from bloodguilt and from taking vengeance with your own hand, now let your enemies and those who seek to do evil to my lord be like Nabal.'" David will face allegations of bloodguilt several times in his life. Abigail has reminded him, in a very nice way, that if he followed through in his intent he not, Nabal, would be the guilty party. David does not have a right under the law to retaliate in this way. If he does, he will be guilty before God. 1 Samuel 25:27-30: 'And now let this present that your servant has brought to my lord be given to the young men who follow my lord. Please forgive the trespass of your servant; for the Lord will certainly make my lord a sure house, because my lord is fighting the battles of the Lord; and evil shall not be found in you so long as you live. If anyone should rise up to pursue you and to seek your life, the life of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of the living under the care of the Lord your God; but the lives of your enemies he shall sling out as from the hollow of a sling. When the Lord has done to my lord according to all the good that he has spoken concerning you, and has appointed you prince over Israel, my lord shall have no cause of grief, or pangs of conscience, for having shed blood without cause or for having saved himself. And when the Lord has dealt well with my lord, then remember your servant.' Abigail had wisdom. She never defended her foolish husband. She even warned David of the consequences of his action if he killed Nabal and his people. She encouraged David to do what was right in the sight of God. 1 Samuel 25:32-35: David said to Abigail, 'Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, who sent you to meet me today! Blessed be your good sense, and blessed be you, who have kept me today from bloodguilt and from avenging myself by my own hand! For as surely as the Lord the God of Israel lives, who has restrained me from hurting you, unless you had hurried and come to meet me, truly by morning there would not have been left to Nabal so much as one male.' Then David received from her hand what she had brought him; he said to her, 'Go up to your house in peace; see, I have heeded your voice, and I have granted your petition.' Interestingly, David did not reprimand Abigail for not submitting to her husband, publically offending him or acting on her own authority. David actually applauded Abigail for spiritual wisdom and knowledge by preventing him from sin. David also stated that she had saved every man in her extended household. David even heeds the advice of a woman! 1 Samuel 25:36: Abigail came to Nabal; he was holding a feast in his house, like the feast of a king. Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunk; so she told him nothing at all until the morning light. 1 Samuel 25:37-38: In the morning, when the wine had gone out of Nabal, his wife told him these things, and his heart died within him; he became like a stone. About ten days later the Lord struck Nabal, and he died. God actually punishes Nabal, not Abigail for undermining her husband’s authority. 1 Samuel 25:39 When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, 'Blessed be the Lord who has judged the case of Nabal's insult to me, and has kept back his servant from evil; the Lord has returned the evildoing of Nabal upon his own head.' Many legalistic religious teachings are that Nabal was punished by God for his mistreatment of Abigail, so women can always trust that God will punish their husbands if the husband mistreats them, implying that a woman should just ‘wait on the Lord’ for God to correct and chastise the husband. This is definitely taught within the Bill Gothard cult in which I grew up in. It is true that God is a God of justice, but women should never stay in an abusive relationship, especially when they have children. We must never wait for someone to change before we take action! Interestingly David says that God punished Nabal because of the insult that he gave to David, not Abigail. 1 Samuel 25:39-42: Then David sent and wooed Abigail, to make her his wife. When David's servants came to Abigail at Carmel, they said to her, 'David has sent us to you to take you to him as his wife.' She rose and bowed down, with her face to the ground, and said, 'Your servant is a slave to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.' Abigail got up hurriedly and rode away on a donkey; her five maids attended her. She went after the messengers of David and became his wife. David also married Ahinoam of Jezreel; both of them became his wives. So what does God do to Abigail for not submitting to her husband, disrespecting him, and undermining his authority? God allows her to become the wife of the future King of Israel. The point I’d like to stress about this story is that women do have CHOICES and a VOICE, which is what this organization is all about! I believe that wives are to submit to their husbands as the Bible teaches us, EXCEPT in cases of abuse. Therefore, in certain situations God actually calls women to act, not wait on the Lord, but to wisely act to save herself, her family and most importantly her children. If you are in an abusive destructive relationship, precious sisters in the Lord, you must have the courage and discernment that Abigail had and get yourself, as well as your children to safety. God desires for you to experience a joyful abundant life in Christ, not a life of fear and intimidation. Child Abuse and Spousal Abuse:
What does the Bible say about it? There is no scripture in the Word of God that condones any form of abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual or spiritual abuse) toward women or children. God opposes domestic violence. Here are some scriptures that address how men are to treat their wives and their children: - Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:19 When I was teaching a class at a local women’s shelter, I will never forget what one of the women residents told me. She said, “my husband only beat me up because he thought I was having an affair on him. It was only because he was jealous because he loves me so much and doesn’t want to lose me.” The bible tells us exactly what ‘love’ is. I Cor 13:4-7 says, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. - Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Colossians 3:21 Have you ever seen a discouraged, hopeless child? Parents are to be their children’s greatest supporters and encouragers, not their enemies. FACT: Children who grow up in an abusive home are more likely to either become an abuser or become a victim, thus repeating the abusive cycle generation to generation. A WARNING TO PARENTS: Numbers 14:18 says, “God, slow to get angry and huge in loyal love, forgiving iniquity and rebellion and sin; Still, never just whitewashing sin. But extending the fallout of the parents' sins to children into the third, even the fourth generation.” If God, our heavenly father, is our model for parenting and the bible clearly says that God is SLOW to anger and HUGE in loyal love, forgiving iniquity and rebellion and sin, should we as parents of our precious children do the same? - Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 Discipline vs. Punishment? The purpose of discipline is to help a child learn to control their behavior and know the difference between right and wrong, not for them to have fear of punishment. For example, a child doesn’t steal because it is wrong, not because he is afraid of being caught. Painful, unpleasant punishment will prevent most children from doing what you don’t want them to do. Discipline is giving loving beneficial instruction rather than harsh unloving punishment. Love is always the motive of the parent. Character will be the outcome. Physical punishment (spanking, slapping, grabbing harshly, etc) and verbal punishment (mocking, shaming, name calling, or cruel words such as “I hate you”) are never productive, but will only destroy your child’s self esteem and crush their spirit. - The Lord tests the righteous, but his (God’s) soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence. Psalm 11:5 |
Today's verse:Jeremiah 29:11 Archives
August 2014
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